In all honesty, I remember very little from my first couple months on island.

However, I do remember how basically every day was a battle with anxiety and depression.

It’s funny though, the things I was so extremely freaked out about then barely make me bat an eye anymore.

Initially, I feared how “productive” I was. Everything I did or didn’t do caused me so much anxiety.

Why am I not at the beach right now? I live in freakin’ paradise and I’m in my apartment right now. *goes to beach*

Shouldn’t I be painting right now? Shouldn’t I be working on marketing for my art business? *works on art business tasks*

Why am I not getting out and about? I shouldn’t be on my computer right now, I’m wasting my time here.

***Repeat the vicious cycle over and over again***

I had set extremely lofty expectations for myself that had me reeling every day.

I literally remember telling myself--as I scooped açai at the Sunrise Shack-- that “by December, I will be a self-sufficient artist and will no longer work here.”

Unrealistic? Yes.

However, at the time I felt like I needed to “prove myself” somehow, prove that this pretty spontaneous move was not completely insane and show all the people who supported me that I wouldn’t let them down.

The issue was, the pressure I put on myself created anxiety that I didn’t know how to deal with.

I didn’t understand why it was there, and didn’t even really know what it was.

Sure, I had heard of “anxiety” before but never really believed it was a very real and very debilitating mental illness.

I rejected the idea that I had it.

I just chalked it up to me being weak or timid. So I tried to ignore it and got mad at myself when I felt it.

I experienced physiological symptoms like a loss of appetite and literal full-body shaking and dizziness.

My brain was a constant storm of thoughts and emotions that I tried to ignore.

I was so frustrated with how I was feeling.

I felt like shouldn’t be allowed to feel so anxious and depressed because I was finally where I wanted to be.

I mean really, what could I possibly be complaining about?

I felt guilty, weak, and angry at myself.

(above) sketches I did at this time that reflected how I felt. Kinda dark, am I right? (lol)

However, ignoring these emotions only intensified them even more.

There were some days where I would just shake and cry and wish with every fiber of my being that I could just tear my brain out and never think again.

I remember just sitting petrified at my kitchen table trying to figure out what I “should” be doing, what the most “productive” action of the day would be.

Ironically, stressing about how “productive” I was made me completely unproductive in every sense because I would spend most of my time sitting around just trying to deal with everything going on inside my head--and not in a good way.

How I “dealt” with them you may ask? By beating myself up. *What’s wrong with me? Something is wrong with me. I’m so ungrateful. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? What’s wrong with me? I’m a terrible person. I’m so pathetic.* Of course, this only made everything worse.
*(left) 9/16/22 - a sketch of my inner turmoil at the time (haha).*

I eventually came to discover that these feelings were telling me I needed to chill out and allow myself to recharge and rest.

When I finally began to let go of the idea of being “productive” and subscribing to the “hustle culture” mentality of working yourself ragged and doing everything with the purpose of building a “profitable and successful career,” my whole well being improved dramatically.

Once I began to release the pressure off myself, I found myself sketching for hours at the beach nearly every day--something the work-a-holic-ambitious-perfectionist-me had so long believed was a totally unproductive thing to be doing.

*Why sketch emotions and rough concepts if they wouldn’t launch me into a lucrative career?*

Letting myself breathe, feel my emotions, and simply relax in the sanctuary that is the great outdoors completely shifted my mentality and helped heal me.

I never knew just how critical taking time to simply sit and relax without any pressure or agenda is to your mental health.

Admittedly, it was a slow process of having to constantly remind myself to chill tf out, which for me was really difficult to do because I am someone who generally likes to be busy, working, and is highly goal-oriented.

I had to repeatedly tell myself that taking time to relax, reset, and process my emotions was productive.

By allowing myself the freedom to express myself without pressure and to just while away time splashing around in the ocean and laying on the beach, I found peace and grounding and presence.

I began to learn that my worth was not dependent on my work or how “productive” I was.
I began to notice the seemingly insignificant things around me that were beautiful and sparked joy.
I began to focus less on some extremely high-minded far-in-the-future goal and more on the everyday practices I could do to nourish my body and mind so I could simply be happy.
I became much more relaxed, accepting, and mindful.
*(right) 10/7/22 “bliss” - a sketch depicting the bliss that is sketching on the beach*

In short, I learned the importance of “chilling out.”

That taking care of yourself by doing “nothing” is not being lazy, but rather being proactive in maintaining your health so you can literally function as best as possible.

Just think about it: if you are rested in your mind, heart, and body, you have much more energy to do the plethora of things on your agenda and meet your goals.

I’ve actually learned that multiple cultures around the world have words for this and are much better at emphasizing (and celebrating) its importance than Americans are.

Italians call it “Il dolce far niente,” which translates to "the sweetness of doing nothing,”

"l'art de ne rien faire" - “the art of doing nothing” (French)

"niksen" - “doing nothing” with purpose and intention (Dutch)

Chill out, mate.

Initially, I feared how “productive” I was. Everything I did or didn’t do caused me so much anxiety.

The issue was, the pressure I put on myself created anxiety that I didn’t know how to deal with.

I rejected the idea that I had it.

However, ignoring these emotions only intensified them even more.

I eventually came to discover that these feelings were telling me I needed to chill out and allow myself to recharge and rest.

Letting myself breathe, feel my emotions, and simply relax in the sanctuary that is the great outdoors completely shifted my mentality and helped heal me.

In short, I learned the importance of “chilling out.”

So, my advice to you:

Chill out, mate.

Chill out, mate.

Initially, I feared how “productive” I was. Everything I did or didn’t do caused me so much anxiety.

The issue was, the pressure I put on myself created anxiety that I didn’t know how to deal with.

I rejected the idea that I had it.

However, ignoring these emotions only intensified them even more.

I eventually came to discover that these feelings were telling me I needed to chill out and allow myself to recharge and rest.

Letting myself breathe, feel my emotions, and simply relax in the sanctuary that is the great outdoors completely shifted my mentality and helped heal me.

In short, I learned the importance of “chilling out.”

So, my advice to you:

Chill out, mate.

Living Solo: My Experience

Now what?