Now what?
It would be a flat out lie to say that once I found myself standing on the shores of Oahu with my name down on a lease and a job lined up, all my prior problems washed away with the tide and I was unbelievably happy.
Though I knew in my heart and with every fiber of my being that it was the right thing for me, it was also absolutely and overwhelmingly terrifying.
I was so focused on the financial and technical logistics of living there: an apartment, a job, transportation, etc that I didn’t even consider the ultimately more important aspects: taking care of my mental health and finding friends and community.
As someone who is calculated, thorough, and meticulous when making a big decision, I made sure to have everything put into place before I got there.
I had a job at the Sunrise Shack lined up, a studio apartment and all the little things that go into that all ready for me when I arrived. I guess I kind of naively thought that once these things were put into place, it would be pretty smooth sailing from there minus minor day-to-day typical grievances.
I knew living in the place of my dreams wouldn’t solve all my problems, but I didn’t even imagine that arguably much greater and deeper issues would emerge.
Though finances were obviously tight for me while I lived there and I mostly subsisted off of canned tomatoes, beans, and oatmeal, the things that challenged me most were the mental and social hardships of navigating life alone on an island where I knew no one.
Paying rent and bills? Keeping a sustainable budget? Working hard? All these things were things that came easily to me and were generally at the back of my mind.
On the other hand, dealing with my mental health: the onslaught of heavy emotions, overwhelming thoughts, anxiety, and depression did not.
Looking back at middle school and high school, I definitely had depression and struggled with anxiety.
However, I had never experienced it on a level as severe as I did when I came to Hawaii.
Naturally, this was extremely confusing for me.
I was in the place of my dreams and was quite literally starting to live the life I had been manifesting and dreaming about for so long, so why on earth did I feel such crushing anxiety and depression?
Why was I struggling when there was no true visible threat attacking me?
Materially, I pretty much had everything I needed to get by simply and humbly.
Internally, I lacked basically all the equipment to deal with the thoughts and emotions that tormented me.
The importance of internal work within my mind and heart is by far the greatest lesson I’ve learned since I first found myself standing completely alone on the lanai of my new home.
So caught up in the rush of moving, the realization of what I had just done hadn’t really dawned on me until that moment.
I just remember this feeling of “now what?”
I had done the thing. Now what?
I felt like I hit a wall. I didn’t really think about what my day-to-day life would look like after I moved. I was too focused on the big things to consider the seemingly insignificant minutes that made up each day.
Freedom certainly is sweet, but sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming.
Sometimes I just wished someone would tell me what the next right thing to do was so I wouldn’t feel so aimless.
Being in this position right out of high school as a little 18 year-old, where all I had ever known was the structured routine of school and the instructions of my parents, was a bit of a sharp shock to the system.
I didn’t know what to do next other than show up for my first shift of work.
There were so many possibilities, but which to choose????
What was the “best” and “right” choice???
My mind was a never-ending hurricane of tormenting thoughts.
Might sound pretty ridiculous, but I literally had to learn how to chill out and accept the notion that I had no idea what I was doing…and that quite frankly, nobody knows what they are doing.
I had to learn to be more present and put less pressure on myself.
I had to learn how to deal with my thoughts and emotions in a healthy and sustainable way.
If I didn’t, I sure as hell wouldn’t have survived out there.
My advice to you:
When you are left frozen and wondering “now what?” find gratitude in the present moment and try not to look too far ahead.
Do the next *little* thing that feels right to you.
This could literally mean running to the grocery store to get food for dinner, or going on a walk.
Quit freaking out about the “what” after “now what?”
Accept where you are, and take baby steps to get where you want to go.
Set small goals for each day that excite, inspire, or help you or others.
Starting small will spiral into something bigger eventually, so hang in there, you got this.
